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Šale
Goldee ::
Pa še en, upam, da še ni bil:
Napaka
Gužva v planinski koči. Planinci spijo natlačeni na pograde.
Sredi noči začne 80-letni hribolazec kričati:
»Babo! Hitro mi pripeljite babo! Takoj hočem babo!«
Pa se oglasi mladenič zraven njega:
»Oča, lažni alarm. Mojega držite …«
Napaka
Gužva v planinski koči. Planinci spijo natlačeni na pograde.
Sredi noči začne 80-letni hribolazec kričati:
»Babo! Hitro mi pripeljite babo! Takoj hočem babo!«
Pa se oglasi mladenič zraven njega:
»Oča, lažni alarm. Mojega držite …«
And Now for Something Completely Different...
-two things I like about UK -Monty Python & Pink Floyd-
-two things I like about UK -Monty Python & Pink Floyd-
b0B3k ::
Ekspert za les
Nekega dne pride slep človek v tovarno pohistva v kadrovsko sluzbo in pove, da zeli zaposlitev. Povejo mu, da ze imajo telefonista. "Ampak jaz sem ekspert za les. Z vonjem ugotovim vrsto in poreklo lesa. Preizkusite me!" Direktor ukaze prinesti vzorčne desčice za preizkus. Slepec povoha prvo in pove: "Smreka, 55 let, Menina planina". Povoha drugo in reče: "Bukev, 32 let, Kočevski Rog." In tako dalje in naprej razvozla vse vzorce, direktor pa samo izbulji oči. Potem pa direktor vzame eno desčico, jo da tajnici in zasepeta: "Daj podrgni se s to desčico med nogami." Tajnica to stori in desčico dajo ekspertu. Slepec dolgo ovohava, se mrsči in na koncu reče: "Nisem siguren, ampak to bi pa lahko bila stranisčna deska na ribiski ladji."
Nekega dne pride slep človek v tovarno pohistva v kadrovsko sluzbo in pove, da zeli zaposlitev. Povejo mu, da ze imajo telefonista. "Ampak jaz sem ekspert za les. Z vonjem ugotovim vrsto in poreklo lesa. Preizkusite me!" Direktor ukaze prinesti vzorčne desčice za preizkus. Slepec povoha prvo in pove: "Smreka, 55 let, Menina planina". Povoha drugo in reče: "Bukev, 32 let, Kočevski Rog." In tako dalje in naprej razvozla vse vzorce, direktor pa samo izbulji oči. Potem pa direktor vzame eno desčico, jo da tajnici in zasepeta: "Daj podrgni se s to desčico med nogami." Tajnica to stori in desčico dajo ekspertu. Slepec dolgo ovohava, se mrsči in na koncu reče: "Nisem siguren, ampak to bi pa lahko bila stranisčna deska na ribiski ladji."
Stepni Volk ::
Top 10 Reasons computers must be male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless
2. A better model is always around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
7. In order to get there attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10.Size does Matter
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless
2. A better model is always around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
7. In order to get there attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10.Size does Matter
Stepni Volk ::
Men Jokes
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
138.Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 31/2" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
If he has a penis.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
138.Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 31/2" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
If he has a penis.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Looney ::
Župnik potrka na vrata. Iz hiše se zasliši:
"Angelček moj, a si ti?"
"Ne ravno, sem pa iz iste firme!"
"Angelček moj, a si ti?"
"Ne ravno, sem pa iz iste firme!"
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
opeter ::
Na nebotičniku stojijo župnik, superman in pametna blondinka. Kdo prvi pade na tla?
Župnik. In Zakaj? Zato ker supermani in pametne blondinke ne obstajajo
Župnik. In Zakaj? Zato ker supermani in pametne blondinke ne obstajajo
Hrabri mišek (od 2015 nova serija!) -> http://tinyurl.com/na7r54l
18. november 2011 - Umrl je Mark Hall, "oče" Hrabrega miška
RTVSLO: http://tinyurl.com/74r9n7j
18. november 2011 - Umrl je Mark Hall, "oče" Hrabrega miška
RTVSLO: http://tinyurl.com/74r9n7j
opeter ::
Tovarišica v šoli vpraša Janezka, če zna našteti nekaj afriških živali.
Janezek se nekaj obotavlja in obotavlja, zato mu učiteljica pomaga: "No, jaguar..."
Janezek pa se spomni in odreže: "Ahaaa! ....februar, marec, april..."
V Janezovem razredu so imeli dan o elektroniki. Vsi so morali za domačo nalogo prinesti eno elektronsko napravo. Nekateri so prinesli radije, drugi so prinesli televizijo, Janezek pa je prinesel čudno napravico iz gumbkov in ur, ki je ves čas delala tik-tak. Pa ga vpraša učiteljica: "Janezek, kaj pa je to?" "Srčni spodbujevalnik," ji odgovori Janezek. "Ja, kje pa si ga dobil," se začudi učiteljica. "Pri babici," odgovori Janezek. "Kaj pa je rekla babica, ker si ji ga vzel?", vpraša učiteljica. "Rekla je samo aaaaah!!!'"
Janezek se nekaj obotavlja in obotavlja, zato mu učiteljica pomaga: "No, jaguar..."
Janezek pa se spomni in odreže: "Ahaaa! ....februar, marec, april..."
V Janezovem razredu so imeli dan o elektroniki. Vsi so morali za domačo nalogo prinesti eno elektronsko napravo. Nekateri so prinesli radije, drugi so prinesli televizijo, Janezek pa je prinesel čudno napravico iz gumbkov in ur, ki je ves čas delala tik-tak. Pa ga vpraša učiteljica: "Janezek, kaj pa je to?" "Srčni spodbujevalnik," ji odgovori Janezek. "Ja, kje pa si ga dobil," se začudi učiteljica. "Pri babici," odgovori Janezek. "Kaj pa je rekla babica, ker si ji ga vzel?", vpraša učiteljica. "Rekla je samo aaaaah!!!'"
Hrabri mišek (od 2015 nova serija!) -> http://tinyurl.com/na7r54l
18. november 2011 - Umrl je Mark Hall, "oče" Hrabrega miška
RTVSLO: http://tinyurl.com/74r9n7j
18. november 2011 - Umrl je Mark Hall, "oče" Hrabrega miška
RTVSLO: http://tinyurl.com/74r9n7j
Zgodovina sprememb…
- spremenil: opeter ()
Looney ::
"Dragi, povej mi... A sem fajn, al sem grda?"
"Oboje!"
"Kako obooje?!"
"Fajn grda!"
"Oboje!"
"Kako obooje?!"
"Fajn grda!"
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
stock ::
Hitler>
Nemci in Zidje igrajo u plinski celici, gdo zmaga?
Zidje, domac teren!
Ko je biu hitler se majhen>
Postavi on Zide u vrsto pred velik prepad in pravi prvemu, postavi se tako da bos imel stegnjene roke nauzgor -Zid se postavi in on ga vrze u prepad, pride do drugega ti se postavi tako da bos imel roke dol, se postavi in vrze ga Hitler u prepad, pride do tretjega, postavi se tako da iztegnes noge, in ga vrze u prepad... Nato se iz hise blizu zaslisi: Adolf pridi na kosilo! -ne mami zdej rauno tetris igram!
Tekmovanje>
Hitler se odloci da bo na prostost spustil usakega Zida, ki bo preskocit 7m prepad, in pride prvi, nepreskoci, pa de not, se ubije.. pride drugi isto..tretji..cetrti.... Nato se koncno najde en atlet, uzame zalet in.. preskoci, Hitler pa: PRESTOP!-ustrelite ga.
Kruta>
Pride hitler do male deklice, pa jo uprasa koliko si stara?
Pravi deklica Stiri bom -ne ne bos! -hitler
Nemci in Zidje igrajo u plinski celici, gdo zmaga?
Zidje, domac teren!
Ko je biu hitler se majhen>
Postavi on Zide u vrsto pred velik prepad in pravi prvemu, postavi se tako da bos imel stegnjene roke nauzgor -Zid se postavi in on ga vrze u prepad, pride do drugega ti se postavi tako da bos imel roke dol, se postavi in vrze ga Hitler u prepad, pride do tretjega, postavi se tako da iztegnes noge, in ga vrze u prepad... Nato se iz hise blizu zaslisi: Adolf pridi na kosilo! -ne mami zdej rauno tetris igram!
Tekmovanje>
Hitler se odloci da bo na prostost spustil usakega Zida, ki bo preskocit 7m prepad, in pride prvi, nepreskoci, pa de not, se ubije.. pride drugi isto..tretji..cetrti.... Nato se koncno najde en atlet, uzame zalet in.. preskoci, Hitler pa: PRESTOP!-ustrelite ga.
Kruta>
Pride hitler do male deklice, pa jo uprasa koliko si stara?
Pravi deklica Stiri bom -ne ne bos! -hitler
Nejc Pintar ::
Židi stojijo v vrsti, vpraša hitler prvega:
"Kok metrov skočiš?"
"2 metra"
"Dajte mu dve štruce kruha"
Vpraša hitler drugega:
"Kok metrov skočiš?"
"1 meter pa pol"
"Dajte mu štruco pa pol!"
Pa en žid razmišlja:
"Več k skočm, več kruha dobim"
Pa pride hitler do njega pa ga vpraša:
"kok ti skočš?"
"4 metre"
"Ta pa loh zid preskoč, dajte ga ubit"
"Kok metrov skočiš?"
"2 metra"
"Dajte mu dve štruce kruha"
Vpraša hitler drugega:
"Kok metrov skočiš?"
"1 meter pa pol"
"Dajte mu štruco pa pol!"
Pa en žid razmišlja:
"Več k skočm, več kruha dobim"
Pa pride hitler do njega pa ga vpraša:
"kok ti skočš?"
"4 metre"
"Ta pa loh zid preskoč, dajte ga ubit"
poweroff ::
Še en neokusen: koliko je rekord v teku na 100 metrov v koncentracijskem taborišču?
20 metrov.
20 metrov.
sudo poweroff
cryptozaver ::
Ljubljanscina 
1. Dons sm si kofi čist ful pošugrala.
(danes sem si kavo preveč posladkala s sladkorjem)
2. Kva me kolaš lih k doga wokam.
(zakaj me kličeš ko sprehajam psa?)
3. A si vidu keta kok po rufu klajmba.
(si videl kako se maček sprehaja po strehi?)
4. Učer se je en oldi z rufa skenslu.
(Starejši gospod je včeraj naredil samomor. Skočil je s strehe.)
1. Dons sm si kofi čist ful pošugrala.
(danes sem si kavo preveč posladkala s sladkorjem)
2. Kva me kolaš lih k doga wokam.
(zakaj me kličeš ko sprehajam psa?)
3. A si vidu keta kok po rufu klajmba.
(si videl kako se maček sprehaja po strehi?)
4. Učer se je en oldi z rufa skenslu.
(Starejši gospod je včeraj naredil samomor. Skočil je s strehe.)
tx-z ::
Lol, če boš ti kje u ljubljani slišu koga tko govort bo pa tut čudž ja
Nvem kaj si folk neki zmišljuje k nben tko ne govori Kšna beseda je že taprava ne pa use tko
Nvem kaj si folk neki zmišljuje k nben tko ne govori Kšna beseda je že taprava ne pa use tko tx-z
Looney ::
Ja, v bistvu je tisto zgoraj kar res. Tudi Ljubljančani sami radi povejo kakšno šalo na ta račun.
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
thramos ::
Ok sej šala je šala, ampak v svojih 24 letih v LJ, še nism slišu koga "šugrat" kavo, oz "wokat" psa
alesrosina ::
Apparently a teacher in Britain was arrested. On him they found a
pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of
the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!
pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of
the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!
Meamoto ::
ampak v svojih 24 letih v LJ, še nism slišu koga "šugrat" kavo, oz "wokat" psa
Se pa to dejansko na žalost sliši dnevno pri naših preljubih turistih na obali.
Se pa to dejansko na žalost sliši dnevno pri naših preljubih turistih na obali.
_marko ::
Jaz sem v Lj slišal dve srednješolki: "Greva na pancakes al pa whatever" 
The saddest aspect of life right now is that science
gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.
gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.
Volk| ::
Helikopter leti nad Seattlom v ZDA, ko se nenadoma pokvarijo elektronika ter navigacijska in komunikacijska oprema. Zaradi oblakov in meglice pilot ni mogel določiti svoje lokacije.
Nato je zagledal visoko stavbo, zaokrožil nad njo in proti oknu pokazal napis: "Kje sem?"
Ljudje v stavbi so se hitro odzvali in skozi okno pomolili velik napis: "V helikopterju."
Pilot se je nasmehnil, določil smer letališča in varno pristal. Ko sta bila s kopilotom varno na tleh, ga je ta vprašal, kako je vedel, kje sta.
Pilot pa mu je dogovoril: "Vedel sem, da mora biti Microsoftova zgradba, ker so mi dali teoretično pravilen, ampak popolnoma neuporaben odgovor."
Nato je zagledal visoko stavbo, zaokrožil nad njo in proti oknu pokazal napis: "Kje sem?"
Ljudje v stavbi so se hitro odzvali in skozi okno pomolili velik napis: "V helikopterju."
Pilot se je nasmehnil, določil smer letališča in varno pristal. Ko sta bila s kopilotom varno na tleh, ga je ta vprašal, kako je vedel, kje sta.
Pilot pa mu je dogovoril: "Vedel sem, da mora biti Microsoftova zgradba, ker so mi dali teoretično pravilen, ampak popolnoma neuporaben odgovor."
Looney ::
Se dva mulca pogovarjata, pa en vpraša:- Ej, a misliš, da če kupiš procesor, da dobiš zraven tudi MHz ali pa moraš to posebej kupiti?- Ja ne vem... Ko sva že ravno pri računalnikih... Koliko barve porabi tvoj monitor?
Stoje dva malca u muzeju ispred Picassove slike.
- E, ovome su driveri za printer skroz u kurcu.
1. Zbudiš se ob 3 zjutraj in greš v kopalnico. Na poti nazaj preveriš prispele E-Maile.
2. Sesuje se ti HD in že 2 uri nisi bral E-Mailov. V paniki dvigneš telefon in začneš komunicirati z modemom, kar ti uspe.
3. Žalosten si, ker ne moreš poklicati starše, ker nimajo predalčka za E-Mail.
4. Vsi tvoji znanci imajo v imenu črko @.
5. Pri preverjanju nove pošte ti PC vrne "Ni novih sporočil", zato še enkrat preveriš ali si medtem dobil kaj nove pošte.
6. Namesto, da te pokličejo na kosilo ti pošljejo E-Mail.
7. Smeješ se ljudem, ki uporabljajo 9600 bps modem.
8. Ugotoviš, da pišeš "si" na koncu vsakega stavka.si
9. V običajnih pismih začneš uporabljati "smajlije" :)
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk ?
Je en fant hodil po gozdu!
Pa je našel žabo. Žaba mu reče, če me poljubiš se bom spremenila v najlepšo princesko.Fant pobere žabo in jo nese domov. Doma jo da na mizo in žaba spet reče, če me poljubiš se bom spremenila v najlepšo princesko.
Fant ji odgovori, veš jest sem računalniški programer, jest nimam časa za punce, ampak govoreča žaba, to je pa FULL KUL!!!
Stara gospa pride v trgovino z računalniki.Prodajalcu reče: "Ta računalnik ima pa veliko gumbov.""Da, spoštovana gospa, z zadrgami bi zgledal precej naumno."
Kupi začetnik računalnik in ga počasi sestavlja ob priročniku.V roko vzame disketo in pogleda v priročnik, ter reče:"Tako Hard disk sem že našel."
Programer pripoveduje:
Ko mi je slo vse narobe, sem pozno ponoci obupan natipkal:
"Jebi se!"
Odgovor je bil: "Part of hardware missing !"
Intel Inside- idiot outide !
Kliče tip iz pisarne na center za pomoč uporabnikom:"V Word Perfectu sem pisal, ko je kar naenkrat zaslon postal črn."
Operater:"Ja, pa gori kakšna lučka na zaslonu?"
Pisarnik:"A?Kakšna lučka?"
Operater:"Pozabite.Poglejte rajši za zaslon."
Pisarnik:"Ja, dva kabla vidim."
Operater:"Prverite če sta v redu vklopljena."
Pisarnik:"Ne morem..."
Operater:"Zakaj ne?"
Pisarnik:"Ker je temno in se bojim da bi padel ob vse te kable."
Operater:"Ja, pa prižgite luč.
"Pisarnik:"Ne morem."
Operater:"Zakaj ne?!?"
Pisarnik:"Ja veste, sej bi samo je elektrike zmankalo."
Operater mirno nadaljuje:"Veste kaj, to je pa zelo huda okvara z vašim računalnikom-veste kaj boste storili-zapakirajte računalnik v škatle in nesite nazaj v trgovino."
Pisarnik:"A res?A je tako hudo?"
Operator:"Ja bojim se da res."
Pisarnik:"Dobro bom.Samo kaj naj jim pa rečem da je narobe?"
Operator:"Rečite jim, da ste prevelik bedak, da bi imeli računalnik!"
Bog se je odlocil, da bo naredil konec sveta. Še prej pa poklice predse Clintona, Jelcina in Billa Gates-a.
"Gospodje," jim rece "pojdite nazaj dol na zemljo in pripravite ljudi. V cetrtek bom naredil konec sveta."
Bogu ni ugovarjati. Gredo tri VIP-persone nazaj na zemljo in vsak sklice svoje.
Sklice Clinton kongres in pravi: "Gospodje, imam eno dobro in eno slabo novico. Dobra novica je to: imeli smo prav, Bog je! Slaba novica pa je v tem, da se je Bog odlocil narediti v cetrtek konec sveta."
Sklice Jelcin dumo in pravi: "Imam eno slabo in se eno slabo novico. Prva: Nismo imeli prav, Bog je! in druga: Bog se je odlocil narediti v cetrtek konec sveta."
Sklice Gates sestanek direktorjev in pravi dobre volje: "Gospodje, imam dve dobri novici. Prva: Gospod Bog nas steje med tri najvecje na zemlji. In druga: V cetrtek bo IBM nehal distribuirati OS/2 !"
V avtu so se peljali kemik, elektricar in programer.
Pa se jim pokvari avto.
Elektricar je predlagal naj mu zamenjajo motor.
Kemiku se je zdelo, da je treba zamenjati sklopko.
Racunalnicar pa je rekel:"Zaprite vsa okna, pojdite ven, potem pojdite spet noter in odprite okna."
Kaj je upgrade Plug & Play tehnologije?
Plug & Pray!
Kdo ve, kaj je to PRDOMIR?
To je kratica za PRvi DOmaci MIkroRacunalnik.
Za boljsi pretok podatkov preluknjaj disketo na vec mestih!
Trije programerji so stali na stranišču pri pisoarjih. Prvi je končal in se odpravil k umivalniku, da bi si umil roke. Začne si sušiti roke, zelo pazljivo. Trgal je koščke papirnate brisače, drugega za drugim in si obrisal vsako kapljico, ki mu je še ostala na roki. "Pri Microsoftu smo naučeni biti zelo natančni," je pojasnil drugima dvema. Drugi programer je opravil svoje opravilo pri pisoarju in se odpravil k umivalniku. Odtrgal si je en sam košček papirnate brisače in si brisal roke tako, da je izrabil sleherni centimeter brisače. "Pri Intelu smo poleg natančnosti naučeni tudi varčnosti," je pojasnil. Tretji programer je prav tako končal, nakar se je odpravil proti vratom in zaklical čez ramo: "Pri Sunu pa si ne ščijemo po rokah!
"Halo, imam problem z računalnikom in ne vem kaj mi je storiti...""Kakšno sporočilo je izpisano na zaslonu ?""Piše 'Hit ENTER when ready'.""No in ?!!""Kako pa naj jaz vem, kdaj je pripravljen ??"
Učenec: "Profesorica, tipkovnica ne dela!"Učiteljica: "Nič hud´ga, saj računalnik tud´ ne."
Obupan uporabnik kliče svojega guruja.... - Kaj naj naredim: tukaj piše, naj dam noter tretji disk?- Ja daš noter tretji disk, kaj je tu kaj takega!?- Ja, ampak noter gresta samo dva, pa še to komaj..
Zakaj je programer umrl pod tušem ?Ker je na šamponu pisalo: "Šamponiraj, izperi, ponovi..."
Kaj je 008 ?James Bond 007 z Upgrade.
Bog bi naredil zemljo v dveh dnevih, če ne bi rabil inštalirati windowse
Stoje dva malca u muzeju ispred Picassove slike.
- E, ovome su driveri za printer skroz u kurcu.
1. Zbudiš se ob 3 zjutraj in greš v kopalnico. Na poti nazaj preveriš prispele E-Maile.
2. Sesuje se ti HD in že 2 uri nisi bral E-Mailov. V paniki dvigneš telefon in začneš komunicirati z modemom, kar ti uspe.
3. Žalosten si, ker ne moreš poklicati starše, ker nimajo predalčka za E-Mail.
4. Vsi tvoji znanci imajo v imenu črko @.
5. Pri preverjanju nove pošte ti PC vrne "Ni novih sporočil", zato še enkrat preveriš ali si medtem dobil kaj nove pošte.
6. Namesto, da te pokličejo na kosilo ti pošljejo E-Mail.
7. Smeješ se ljudem, ki uporabljajo 9600 bps modem.
8. Ugotoviš, da pišeš "si" na koncu vsakega stavka.si
9. V običajnih pismih začneš uporabljati "smajlije" :)
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk ?
Je en fant hodil po gozdu!
Pa je našel žabo. Žaba mu reče, če me poljubiš se bom spremenila v najlepšo princesko.Fant pobere žabo in jo nese domov. Doma jo da na mizo in žaba spet reče, če me poljubiš se bom spremenila v najlepšo princesko.
Fant ji odgovori, veš jest sem računalniški programer, jest nimam časa za punce, ampak govoreča žaba, to je pa FULL KUL!!!
Stara gospa pride v trgovino z računalniki.Prodajalcu reče: "Ta računalnik ima pa veliko gumbov.""Da, spoštovana gospa, z zadrgami bi zgledal precej naumno."
Kupi začetnik računalnik in ga počasi sestavlja ob priročniku.V roko vzame disketo in pogleda v priročnik, ter reče:"Tako Hard disk sem že našel."
Programer pripoveduje:
Ko mi je slo vse narobe, sem pozno ponoci obupan natipkal:
"Jebi se!"
Odgovor je bil: "Part of hardware missing !"
Intel Inside- idiot outide !
Kliče tip iz pisarne na center za pomoč uporabnikom:"V Word Perfectu sem pisal, ko je kar naenkrat zaslon postal črn."
Operater:"Ja, pa gori kakšna lučka na zaslonu?"
Pisarnik:"A?Kakšna lučka?"
Operater:"Pozabite.Poglejte rajši za zaslon."
Pisarnik:"Ja, dva kabla vidim."
Operater:"Prverite če sta v redu vklopljena."
Pisarnik:"Ne morem..."
Operater:"Zakaj ne?"
Pisarnik:"Ker je temno in se bojim da bi padel ob vse te kable."
Operater:"Ja, pa prižgite luč.
"Pisarnik:"Ne morem."
Operater:"Zakaj ne?!?"
Pisarnik:"Ja veste, sej bi samo je elektrike zmankalo."
Operater mirno nadaljuje:"Veste kaj, to je pa zelo huda okvara z vašim računalnikom-veste kaj boste storili-zapakirajte računalnik v škatle in nesite nazaj v trgovino."
Pisarnik:"A res?A je tako hudo?"
Operator:"Ja bojim se da res."
Pisarnik:"Dobro bom.Samo kaj naj jim pa rečem da je narobe?"
Operator:"Rečite jim, da ste prevelik bedak, da bi imeli računalnik!"
Bog se je odlocil, da bo naredil konec sveta. Še prej pa poklice predse Clintona, Jelcina in Billa Gates-a.
"Gospodje," jim rece "pojdite nazaj dol na zemljo in pripravite ljudi. V cetrtek bom naredil konec sveta."
Bogu ni ugovarjati. Gredo tri VIP-persone nazaj na zemljo in vsak sklice svoje.
Sklice Clinton kongres in pravi: "Gospodje, imam eno dobro in eno slabo novico. Dobra novica je to: imeli smo prav, Bog je! Slaba novica pa je v tem, da se je Bog odlocil narediti v cetrtek konec sveta."
Sklice Jelcin dumo in pravi: "Imam eno slabo in se eno slabo novico. Prva: Nismo imeli prav, Bog je! in druga: Bog se je odlocil narediti v cetrtek konec sveta."
Sklice Gates sestanek direktorjev in pravi dobre volje: "Gospodje, imam dve dobri novici. Prva: Gospod Bog nas steje med tri najvecje na zemlji. In druga: V cetrtek bo IBM nehal distribuirati OS/2 !"
V avtu so se peljali kemik, elektricar in programer.
Pa se jim pokvari avto.
Elektricar je predlagal naj mu zamenjajo motor.
Kemiku se je zdelo, da je treba zamenjati sklopko.
Racunalnicar pa je rekel:"Zaprite vsa okna, pojdite ven, potem pojdite spet noter in odprite okna."
Kaj je upgrade Plug & Play tehnologije?
Plug & Pray!
Kdo ve, kaj je to PRDOMIR?
To je kratica za PRvi DOmaci MIkroRacunalnik.
Za boljsi pretok podatkov preluknjaj disketo na vec mestih!
Trije programerji so stali na stranišču pri pisoarjih. Prvi je končal in se odpravil k umivalniku, da bi si umil roke. Začne si sušiti roke, zelo pazljivo. Trgal je koščke papirnate brisače, drugega za drugim in si obrisal vsako kapljico, ki mu je še ostala na roki. "Pri Microsoftu smo naučeni biti zelo natančni," je pojasnil drugima dvema. Drugi programer je opravil svoje opravilo pri pisoarju in se odpravil k umivalniku. Odtrgal si je en sam košček papirnate brisače in si brisal roke tako, da je izrabil sleherni centimeter brisače. "Pri Intelu smo poleg natančnosti naučeni tudi varčnosti," je pojasnil. Tretji programer je prav tako končal, nakar se je odpravil proti vratom in zaklical čez ramo: "Pri Sunu pa si ne ščijemo po rokah!
"Halo, imam problem z računalnikom in ne vem kaj mi je storiti...""Kakšno sporočilo je izpisano na zaslonu ?""Piše 'Hit ENTER when ready'.""No in ?!!""Kako pa naj jaz vem, kdaj je pripravljen ??"
Učenec: "Profesorica, tipkovnica ne dela!"Učiteljica: "Nič hud´ga, saj računalnik tud´ ne."
Obupan uporabnik kliče svojega guruja.... - Kaj naj naredim: tukaj piše, naj dam noter tretji disk?- Ja daš noter tretji disk, kaj je tu kaj takega!?- Ja, ampak noter gresta samo dva, pa še to komaj..
Zakaj je programer umrl pod tušem ?Ker je na šamponu pisalo: "Šamponiraj, izperi, ponovi..."
Kaj je 008 ?James Bond 007 z Upgrade.
Bog bi naredil zemljo v dveh dnevih, če ne bi rabil inštalirati windowse
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Zgodovina sprememb…
- spremenila: Looney ()
Volk| ::
Otvoritev računa
Ona: Dober dan,kaj lahko storim za vas ?
On: En posrani račun mi odprite.
Ona:Prosim? Verjetno vas nisem prav razumela !
On: Kaj je tu za razumet ? V tej posrani banki bi rad odprl en kurčev račun !
Ona:Oprostite, ampak v takem tonu res ne morete govoriti z mano .
On: Poslušaj krava, če bom hotel s tabo govorit,ti bom povedal. Zdaj bi rad samo odprl en klinčev račun !!!
Ona: Mislim, da bom poklicala direktorja banke.....
Ona stopi do direktorja banke, z njim nekaj časa vneto razpravlja in oba se nato vrneta do stranke.
Direktor: Oprostite, kaj obstaja mogoče kakšen problem ?
On: Ja, obstaja en prekleti problem.Na lotu sem zadel 15 miljonov eurov in bi rad v tej klinčevi banki odprl en vsrani račun !
Direktor: Ja, in ta grda kuzla z premalimi joški vam dela probleme ??!!
Ona: Dober dan,kaj lahko storim za vas ?
On: En posrani račun mi odprite.
Ona:Prosim? Verjetno vas nisem prav razumela !
On: Kaj je tu za razumet ? V tej posrani banki bi rad odprl en kurčev račun !
Ona:Oprostite, ampak v takem tonu res ne morete govoriti z mano .
On: Poslušaj krava, če bom hotel s tabo govorit,ti bom povedal. Zdaj bi rad samo odprl en klinčev račun !!!
Ona: Mislim, da bom poklicala direktorja banke.....
Ona stopi do direktorja banke, z njim nekaj časa vneto razpravlja in oba se nato vrneta do stranke.
Direktor: Oprostite, kaj obstaja mogoče kakšen problem ?
On: Ja, obstaja en prekleti problem.Na lotu sem zadel 15 miljonov eurov in bi rad v tej klinčevi banki odprl en vsrani račun !
Direktor: Ja, in ta grda kuzla z premalimi joški vam dela probleme ??!!
Volk| ::
Z vlakom so se peljali Nemec, Argentinec, starejša gospa in ženska s hudo dobrim oprsjem.
Vsi štirje so sedeli v kupeju. Kmalu je vlak prišel v tunel in vse se je stemnilo. Sredi tunela se je v kupeju zaslišal močen "plaf".
Ko je vlak pripeljal iz predora, je imel Nemec odtis vseh petih prstov na obrazu.
Nemec razmišlja: "Argentinec je poskusil gospodično prijeti za prsi, ta pa se je zmotila in me klofnila."
Starejša ženska razmišlja: "Nemec je prijel mladenko za joške, ta pa ga je užaljeno mahnila po obrazu."
Prsata mlada gospodična: "Nemec se me je hotel dotakniti in je pomotoma prijel ta staro, ta pa mu je užaljena prisolila klofuto."
Argentinec tuhta: "Kdaj bo spet nov predor, bom spet primazal eno okrog ušes temu kurčevemu Nemcu, ki nas je izključil z svetovnega prvenstva!"
Vsi štirje so sedeli v kupeju. Kmalu je vlak prišel v tunel in vse se je stemnilo. Sredi tunela se je v kupeju zaslišal močen "plaf".
Ko je vlak pripeljal iz predora, je imel Nemec odtis vseh petih prstov na obrazu.
Nemec razmišlja: "Argentinec je poskusil gospodično prijeti za prsi, ta pa se je zmotila in me klofnila."
Starejša ženska razmišlja: "Nemec je prijel mladenko za joške, ta pa ga je užaljeno mahnila po obrazu."
Prsata mlada gospodična: "Nemec se me je hotel dotakniti in je pomotoma prijel ta staro, ta pa mu je užaljena prisolila klofuto."
Argentinec tuhta: "Kdaj bo spet nov predor, bom spet primazal eno okrog ušes temu kurčevemu Nemcu, ki nas je izključil z svetovnega prvenstva!"
Volk| ::
Uciteljica je sprasevala ucence, kaj bodo, ko bodo veliki.
In ko je prisla do Janezka, ga je vprasala:
"Janezek, kaj bos ti, ko bos velik?"
Janezek odgovori:
"Ko bom velik, bom VELIKI FRAJER!"
Uciteljica preseneceno:
"Kaj pa delajo veliki frajerji?"
Janezek ponosno odgovori:
"Pijejo pivo in viski ter fukajo babe!"
Uciteljica mu vsa zgrozena primaze klofuto in poklice Janezkove starse
ter jim pove celo zgodbo. Doma je Janezek seveda bil tepen.
Drugi dan uciteljica vprasa Janezka, kako je bilo doma. Janezek zalostno
odgovori:
"Bil sem tepen".
"No, in kaj bos sedaj, ko bos velik?"
Janezek dvigne svoj zalosten obraz in rece:
"Sedaj bom pa mali frajer."
"Kaj pa pocnejo mali frajerji?"
Janezek veselo:
"Pijejo Coca-colo in drkajo!"
In ko je prisla do Janezka, ga je vprasala:
"Janezek, kaj bos ti, ko bos velik?"
Janezek odgovori:
"Ko bom velik, bom VELIKI FRAJER!"
Uciteljica preseneceno:
"Kaj pa delajo veliki frajerji?"
Janezek ponosno odgovori:
"Pijejo pivo in viski ter fukajo babe!"
Uciteljica mu vsa zgrozena primaze klofuto in poklice Janezkove starse
ter jim pove celo zgodbo. Doma je Janezek seveda bil tepen.
Drugi dan uciteljica vprasa Janezka, kako je bilo doma. Janezek zalostno
odgovori:
"Bil sem tepen".
"No, in kaj bos sedaj, ko bos velik?"
Janezek dvigne svoj zalosten obraz in rece:
"Sedaj bom pa mali frajer."
"Kaj pa pocnejo mali frajerji?"
Janezek veselo:
"Pijejo Coca-colo in drkajo!"
Volk| ::
Baje je med peklom in nebesi ograja in ta se je nekega dne začela lomiti, zato je sveti Peter prišel k Satanu: "Hej, Satan, zdaj si ti na vrsti, da popraviš ograjo. Šef pravi, da je grozna". "Meni je všeč," odgovori Satan, sveti Peter pa spet: "Moraš, to je tvoja dolžnost. Podpisal si pogodbo, ko je bila ograja zgrajena, in zdaj jo moraš upoštevati". "Misliš, da mi pogodba kaj pomeni? Lahko bi to vedel, zaradi mene si jo lahko nekam vtakneš," mu reče Satan. Sveti Peter mu zagrozi: "Če je ne boš popravil, te bomo tožili." "Ha, ha, tožili," se zakrohoče Satan, "kje boste pa našli odvetnika?"
Volk| ::
Dekle: "Oprostite, oče, grešila sem."
Duhovnik: "Kaj si storila, otrok moj?"
Dekle: "Moškemu sem rekla kurbin sin.
Duhovnik: "Zakaj pa si mu rekla kurbin sin?"
Dekle: "Ker me je prijel za roko."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za roko)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da rečeš človeku kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je prijel za prsi."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za prsi)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je slekel."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo sleče)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato je zaril svojega saj veste kaj v mojo saj veste kje."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in zarije svojega saj veste kaj v njeno saj veste kje)
Dekle: "DA, OČE, DA, OČE, DA, OČE!!!"
(čez nekaj minut)
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Ampak oče, imel je AIDS!"
Duhovnik: "Ta kurbin sin!!!"
Duhovnik: "Kaj si storila, otrok moj?"
Dekle: "Moškemu sem rekla kurbin sin.
Duhovnik: "Zakaj pa si mu rekla kurbin sin?"
Dekle: "Ker me je prijel za roko."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za roko)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da rečeš človeku kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je prijel za prsi."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za prsi)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je slekel."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo sleče)
Dekle: "Da, oče."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato je zaril svojega saj veste kaj v mojo saj veste kje."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in zarije svojega saj veste kaj v njeno saj veste kje)
Dekle: "DA, OČE, DA, OČE, DA, OČE!!!"
(čez nekaj minut)
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu rečeš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Ampak oče, imel je AIDS!"
Duhovnik: "Ta kurbin sin!!!"
Volk| ::
Pripravnik brije stranko,delo mu gre dobro od rok,dokler ne pride mimo mojster.Takrat se pripravnika poloti trema in rahlo vreže stranko.
Mojster mu hoče eno primazati,toda vajenec se skloni in klofuto pokasira stranka.
Pripravnik dalje brije stranko in vse dokler se spet ne prikaže mojster se ga poloti trema in s5 vreže stranko.
Mojster mu spet hoče primazati klofuto ,vendar se vajenec spet skloni in klofuto spet pokasira stranka.
Pripravnik dalje brije stranko,dokler mu po nerodnosti ne odreže ušesa.
Takrat pa stranka pravi: Skrij tole uho nekam,če mojster to vidi,me bo ubil!
Mojster mu hoče eno primazati,toda vajenec se skloni in klofuto pokasira stranka.
Pripravnik dalje brije stranko in vse dokler se spet ne prikaže mojster se ga poloti trema in s5 vreže stranko.
Mojster mu spet hoče primazati klofuto ,vendar se vajenec spet skloni in klofuto spet pokasira stranka.
Pripravnik dalje brije stranko,dokler mu po nerodnosti ne odreže ušesa.
Takrat pa stranka pravi: Skrij tole uho nekam,če mojster to vidi,me bo ubil!
Zgodovina sprememb…
- spremenil: Volk| ()
CAT ::
Dragi, imaš tako čudovite dolge trepalnice.
On: "Ko sem bil majhen sem jokal, jokal, jokal..."
Ona:"Zakaj pa nisi lulal, lulal, lulal...."
On: "Ko sem bil majhen sem jokal, jokal, jokal..."
Ona:"Zakaj pa nisi lulal, lulal, lulal...."
Volk| ::
Novinar sprašuje: "Koliko časa potrebujete, da kupite z vašo plačo Mercedes?"
Kučan odgovarja: "Ja, če skupaj s Štefko vrževa, bi rabila tam okoli
4-5 mesecev."
Drnovšek pravi: "Glede na to da sem sam, bi trajalo tam okoli 8-9 mesecev."
Jankovič premišljeno: "Bi rekel tam okoli 3-4 leta."
Novinar se začudi: "Ja gospod Jankovič, kako to mislite 3-4 leta?"
"Pa veste, Mercedes je velika firma!" zaključi Jankovič.
Kučan odgovarja: "Ja, če skupaj s Štefko vrževa, bi rabila tam okoli
4-5 mesecev."
Drnovšek pravi: "Glede na to da sem sam, bi trajalo tam okoli 8-9 mesecev."
Jankovič premišljeno: "Bi rekel tam okoli 3-4 leta."
Novinar se začudi: "Ja gospod Jankovič, kako to mislite 3-4 leta?"
"Pa veste, Mercedes je velika firma!" zaključi Jankovič.
Volk| ::
Kljub veliki hitrosti je mladenič volan svojega športnega avtomobila držal le z eno roko.
"Daj, uporabi obe roki!" mu je reklo dekle, ki je sedelo poleg njega.
"Kako bom pa potem vozil?"
"Daj, uporabi obe roki!" mu je reklo dekle, ki je sedelo poleg njega.
"Kako bom pa potem vozil?"
Volk| ::
Muhi priletita v restavracijo in naročita natakarju:
"Porcijo dreka s čebulo, prosim!" je naročila prva.
"Meni tudi, toda brez čebule, da mi ne bo smrdelo iz ust!" naroči druga.
"Porcijo dreka s čebulo, prosim!" je naročila prva.
"Meni tudi, toda brez čebule, da mi ne bo smrdelo iz ust!" naroči druga.
Volk| ::
Vpraša policaj policaja:
"Katerega smo danes"? (datum)
"Katerega pa bi mogli danes"? (razbit)
"Katerega smo danes"? (datum)
"Katerega pa bi mogli danes"? (razbit)
Looney ::
Srb: "Danas sam radio!"
Slovenec: "Aja? Kje imaš pa anteno?"
Slovenec: "Aja? Kje imaš pa anteno?"
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Looney ::
To ne spremeni bistva. Vici itak obstajajo v nešteto različnih verzijah.
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Nejc Pintar ::
Pravzaprav ga rahlo spremeni. Črnogorci so znani po lenobi.
Lahko je biti prvi, če si edini!
7h3_1 ::
še dva črnogorska iz moje strani (upam da še nista bla)
Črnogorec Vuk leži na plaži pod palmo. Mimo pride turist in ga vpraša:
"Kaj pa vi delate?"
"Nič. Gledam v zrak!"
"Zakaj pa ne kupite trnka in greste lovit ribe?"
"Zakaj pa bi jih lovil?" se začudi Vuk.
"Potem bi ribe prodal in bi si lahko kupil ribiško barko, ulovil še več rib in še več zaslužil."
"In kaj potem?"
"Potem bi toliko zaslužil da bi si kupil še več ribiških bark, z dobičkom pa bi si postavil tovarno konzerv in bi ribe prodajal na veliko."
"In kaj bi s tem?"
"Potem bi imel pa toliko denarja, da bi ti lahko ležal v senci, drugi bi pa delali za tebe."
"In kaj zdajle delam?"
Veste kok je črnogorski rekord na 100m?
O:67m 
) Črnogorec Vuk leži na plaži pod palmo. Mimo pride turist in ga vpraša:
"Kaj pa vi delate?"
"Nič. Gledam v zrak!"
"Zakaj pa ne kupite trnka in greste lovit ribe?"
"Zakaj pa bi jih lovil?" se začudi Vuk.
"Potem bi ribe prodal in bi si lahko kupil ribiško barko, ulovil še več rib in še več zaslužil."
"In kaj potem?"
"Potem bi toliko zaslužil da bi si kupil še več ribiških bark, z dobičkom pa bi si postavil tovarno konzerv in bi ribe prodajal na veliko."
"In kaj bi s tem?"
"Potem bi imel pa toliko denarja, da bi ti lahko ležal v senci, drugi bi pa delali za tebe."
"In kaj zdajle delam?"
Veste kok je črnogorski rekord na 100m?
O:67m
Zgodovina sprememb…
- spremenilo: 7h3_1 ()
Looney ::
V tem primeru to ni pomembno, ker se ne gre za to, če je len ali ne. Je le besedna igra.
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Matev ::
seveda je pomembno
če črnogorec reče danas sam radio
se avtomatsko mora smatrati da radio ne pomeni delal
če črnogorec reče danas sam radio
se avtomatsko mora smatrati da radio ne pomeni delal
IČA ::
Looney, pa še kako je pomembno izbrati pravo narodnost osebkom v vicih. kako bi pa izgledalo/se slišalo, če bi namesto o Škotih govorila o Anngležih, point vica pa je seveda šparavnost.
Če gre vse v redu, si očitno nekaj prezrl.
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