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Killer

Killer

d-mon ::

Hello.

Tole sem napisal, samo je v ameriščini in še to malo bolj pogovorno. Upam, da se razume. Prosim povejte, če je kul.
Aja...BASED ON REAL EVENTS....Danes.

Something happened to me today.
I have a shutter for my window in the bedroom and the window points to the
east, so I get a lot of sunlight in the morning. This can happen at 6am or
sooner in the summer. So what I do is pull down the shutter to the end. No
sun can pass now. BUT....There's always a but...the sun heats up the
shutter and the materials grow a little. And when that happens (it doesn't
happen always) the shutter falls down a little...Not falls down like it's
broken, but it kinda lowers itself a little more. Now this can be very
frightening. You're sleeping and in the middle of the dream......BAM!!!!! It
crashes down, heart jumps out of you; you become pale,
faint....well....scary shit. Then I'm awake and my heart is beating like
crazy. I look at the time and it's still early, so I try to go back to
sleep. We'll...I can't, because of those fucking birds that made the nest
right above my window. And me...the soft soul who couldn't hurt a fly...I
leave them there...Their nest intact...trying to live in peace and harmony
with them. But no....they need to feed in the first light...making that
annoying sounds. But the sounds aren't all. When they fly into the nest they
sometimes park on my aluminium window shelf or the aluminium roof channel
for water. And then they walk on that aluminium with their legs with uncut
nails....try walking with your fingers (with nails) in the aluminium and
listen for the sound. Makes you mad if it doesn't stop soon.
Well, then my sister...she doesn't have the patience like I do. She made her
lame boyfriend kick the nest off the roof. Well...I said...at least I didn't
do it. I didn't want to do that....you know the nature and all that, but
what's done is done. But the birds won't give up. In a week or two they made
another nest, just next to the busted old one....and here we go again. Now
when they go to the nest they touch the shutter with their
wings....damn....another sound.
OK....intro done.
On Saturday something different happened. The shutter fell down and then a
NEW very very annoying sound was heard. And it wouldn't stop. Some fucking
bird was kicking the shutter like crazy. I wanted to kill that bastard, but
I just wanted to sleep. As weird as it was I managed to fall asleep again.
When I woke up the noise was gone...as usual. On the normal hours those
bitches have a rest. Ok...I forgot all about the sounds and the
incident....Until TODAY!
The evil bird was dead lying on my aluminium shelf. I said to myself...so
God ain't that bad at all. Was I good to the God, was I saying: "Oh God,
kill the bastard!!" in my sleep...I don't know. Then my logic kicked in.
Maybe the bird was sleeping on the aluminium shelf, getting some tan or
something...and then the shutter fell down and gave it a heart attack...The
poor bird that actually deserve to die then flapped its wings in the final
sorrow....a long long one. The true death for the sinner...ain't that right
God, my man.
Quite good story, don't you think so? But probably the death part isn't
correct. The bird didn't have the heart attack. What I think it was, but
still it could get rid of some feathers and that would be it...well...What I
think is that the falling shutter got a hold of that old bastard. It
couldn't jam him too much, because the falling differential is small and the
gap is small too. So the bird tried, but it didn't succeed. And then it
drowned all it's energy and giving its fate to me and my lazy Saturday ass.
I think I got from the bed at 2PM that day. It was a long night. So I raised
the shutter and found nothing unusual, lots of poop on the shelf and that's
it. I don't usually look at the shelf because of bird poops, so I didn't saw
the maybe not a dead yet bird. Well, the shutter was up, bird wasn't jammed
anymore....FLY AWAY....YOU'RE FREE....But it didn't fly. It probably stayed
there until today when I checked through the window my new neighbours. They
were carrying in their furniture...in the rain. Haha...God was good again to
me. They were working on their new apartment, right next to mine, for about
2 months...every fucking Saturday and Sunday...the days I sleep long. But
no...They don't care. They work...using the drilling machine...kicking down
the old tiles in the bathroom. Everything on the weekend. Here's their
pay...wet furniture and a neighbour who enjoys their suffering. Muahahaha.
I'll never forgive them for those two months of my beauty sleep. I'll never
say "HI" to them when I meet them on the stairs. They don't care about the
others, I don't care about them. Fair relationship. And they were working on
the apartment renewed 2 years ago...when the young couple moved in. They
split...so they sold the apartment. And when I saw what they did to the old
one....wow....So why did this new jerks had to renew? And I saw no
daughters...
Back to the bird. I saw it. The same time as I saw the neighbours...my two
'pain providers - sleep takers' in their greatest misery. One dead and the
other with the wet furniture for the new apartment. The apartment who was
theirs because of the sweat they put into the work and then some more sweat
to make it nice. And there they have it...the wet furniture that will rot
and leave a bad smell, because the all new painted, right from the store,
kitchen table didn't had time to prepare for the worst. The new paint on the
rain. All is lost. Muahahaha.
So the bird....I started thinking right then when I was watching them,
laughing in the inside, what to do with the bird. It can't rot there on the
shelf. It will smell. I always have my window a little open for the fresh
air. Hell fresh if the bird is rotting there...rotting on this wet day. Wet
and dead don't go together, that's why mummies are dried with salt and
buried in the desert. So that they don't stink. You can't bring your
stinking ass into the new life...damn...Isn't one time enough...babies
pooping on themselves...stinking...yuck.
So what to do with the bird. How to remove it without me touching it and of
course as fast as possible. I thought....hm....Chinese eating sticks would
do the trick, but where are they. I lost them. So my mind was stuck on the
wood and on the stick. What else is like that -> toothpick. Kinda small, but
I couldn't remember anything else except paper towel - a lot of it, wrapping
my hand into it and reaching for the bird...but what then. Where to put the
paper. How to get it of my hand without touching the part where the bird was
and be 100% sure that I didn't touch that part. Remember the bird flu...So
it was the toothpick. I open the window and pray that the new neighbours
don't notice me. I hope they didn't. I stick the toothpick in the bird (not
to the blood part, because if I did that I may had slipped and touched the
bird with my bare hands...and I didn't want to do that) jiggled it a little
and pushed it of the shelf. I look away as nothing had happened and let the
toothpick fall with the bird.
So now the bird lies on the roof of the main entrance to the building in
front of another window, the one bellow me, where nobody lives. Well two
from Switzerland own it and they're here 2 times a year. Can you imagine how
much shit can one bird family shit in a half of a year? Well, I can tell
you...A lot. And all that smell goes right into their apartment. I'm a
little away from that...so it's OK. No smell here. So one dead bird smell
and a lot of poop makes no difference. Bad smell would be there with or
without the dead bird.
So that's it. I'm a killer. I murdered the bird, leaving no witnesses,
disposing the body and at the same time framing the murder to someone other.
[D-mon]
  • spremenil: d-mon ()

undefined ::

V Ameriščini... :D

d-mon ::

Zdej sem sele dojel.
Sem ze spremenu.
Raj ne povem kaj...lahko pa recem, da doloceni slovarji smrdijo.
[D-mon]

OmegaBlue ::

ANGLEŠČINA človek, kakšna ameriščina neki ;((
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

undefined ::

> ANGLEŠČINA človek, kakšna ameriščina neki

:\ Ah, a si mi moral pokvarit veselje. ;)

d-mon ::

Ne ker uporabljam ameriske izraze, kot so kinda, ki ni v angleskem besednjaku :)
[D-mon]

undefined ::

Kwa, gremo raj kašno rečt v ljubljanščin, ne?
Pa v štajerščini, tudi nea? Te pa nič! ;)

OmegaBlue ::

IceMan sorry nism se mogu zadržat.

d-mon
Potem se pa temu reče Ameriška angleščina in nikakor ne ameriščina, shesh :\
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Zgodovina sprememb…

Isht ::

Leave the guy alone

meni se zdi ameriscina cist posrecen izraz.

ker anglescina niti priblizno ni to, kar je ameriscina.

It is beyond thy comprehension, therefore bereft thyself of any imagining that thou knowest even a morsel of the vast and incompehensible entity that is English. [anglesko]

Yo. [amerisko]

Ce Iceman in OmegaBlue nimata boljsih komentarjev od tega, naj se vzdrzita. pa ne seksa. tega trpljenja ne privoscim nikomur.

sicer pa, d-mon, good work. Edino upam, da ti ne bo ta dogodek pustil kakih travmaticnih posledic, ki jih bos moral cez nekaj let razresevati s psihiatrom.

Isht ::

Par komentarjev na samo zgradbo zgodbe:
Prevec razvlecen uvod, ni cisto jasno, kam tvoja zgodba sploh pelje. Dejstev, pomembnih za zgodbo, se nisi dotaknil dovolj podrobno. Lahko bi malo razvlekel del s pticem, stisnjenim pod roleto, predvsem je pa prekratkek del 'disposing of the body'. Nekaj angleskih izrazov je malo okornih, predvsem me je zmotil zleb kot alluminum something something for water. mislim, da je pravi prevod za zleb 'gutter' ceprav to pomeni tudi obcestni jarek. Tudi se mi zdi, da ni iz same zgodbe najbolj razvidno, kako natancno si ti 'killer'. Dobil sem obcutek, da je ptic poginil stisnjen pod roleto (ta del je tudi rahlo nejasen: a ga je stisnila roleta, ali je poginil od strahu, ker se je roleta nenadoma spustila?)

d-mon ::

Isht:
V ozadju je se nekaj vec, kar pa nisem napisal - prevec osebno. Mogoce zato nisi delcke razumel.
Glede smrti...ne morem ti dati vse na pladnu. Moras sam malo pomisliti kaj je bilo (ker tocno tudi jaz ne vem).
Ameriski izrazi...hja...za stvari, ki jih ne vem, je pac slovar rekel, da naj uporabim tako besedo :))
[D-mon]

DoloresJane ::

Par slovničnih napak. Besedišče zelo osnovno. Mestoma napačna sintaksa. Ker gre za ameriško angleščino, ti odpustim ;) ampak Perfect bi se lahko naučil uporabljati.

Tropičje je mestoma zelo dobro uporabljeno, velikokrat pa bi se ga dalo uspešneje nadomestiti s kakšnim drugim ločilom. Ne razbij sporočilnosti s preveč ločili.

Kot že rečeno: preveč se zapletaš v obkrajnosti - to samo po sebi ni napačno, pri tebi pa manjka razvoj bistvenega. Sicer pa povsem zgledna zgodba. Morda bi napisal kaj tudi v slovenščini - navsezadnje ni tako zanič jezik, veš... :D

P.S. Ostanite pri izhodiščni temi. Debate o primernem imenu za angleščino, ki jo govorijo Američani, niso umestne.

Zgodovina sprememb…

Isht ::

> V ozadju je se nekaj vec, kar pa nisem napisal - prevec osebno. Mogoce zato nisi delcke razumel.

Skoda. Ker ce si se ze spravil objaviti ta tekst na forumu, bi ga lahko objavil v celoti. Ne bi ti bilo treba napisati, da se je to dejansko zgodilo tebi, zgodbo bi vzeli kot zgodbo, bila bi pa bolj dodelana in popolna. Seveda, ce nisi nameraval stvari spraviti v obliko zgodbe, je to cisto druga debata, saj tukaj komentiram predvsem zgradbo pripovedi.

> Glede smrti...ne morem ti dati vse na pladnu. Moras sam malo pomisliti kaj je bilo

Obstajajo tudi neka nacela pri pisanju, kje bralca lahko zavedes, kje mu das misliti, kje pa mu postavis vse na pladenj. Seveda je predvsem pomembno to, kaj si sploh v zgodbi nameraval povedati. Iz celotne zgodbe lahko razberem nekaksno oddaljenost od vsega skupaj, v smislu: ja, sit hepns, kaj moremo. Dejansko se s svojimi beganji stran od glavne niti custveno odlepis in nimam obcutka, da ti je mar za vse skupaj. To je seveda lahko cisto slogovna napaka, da si pac poskusal pojasniti detajle in okoliscine, prostor in cas. AMPAK iz zakljucka je razvidno, da te je cel dogodek prizadel. Tu pa nekaj ne klapa. Zato se mi zdi, da v zgodbi nekaj manjka.

> Par slovničnih napak. Besedišče zelo osnovno. Mestoma napačna sintaksa. Ker gre za ameriško angleščino, ti odpustim ampak Perfect bi se lahko naučil uporabljati.

Nadezhda: ze milionkrat sem opazil, da Slovenci na splosno nismo zelo nadarjeni za jezike. Obstajajo izjeme, ampak na splosno ... Ce se omejim samo na IZOBRAZENE ljudi: moja profesorica za anglescino na gimnaziji zanika obstoj izraza 'noone'. Profesorica za anglescino na faksu govori anglesko na ravni osnovnosolcka. Poglej si na televiziji, pa bos videla nase briljantne politike, kako se lomijo. D-mon seveda dela napake, slogovno, slovnicno, sintaksicno, vendar bi ga brez zadrzkov postavil za profesorja anglescine napram prej omenjenim.

> Morda bi napisal kaj tudi v slovenščini - navsezadnje ni tako zanič jezik, veš...

Mogoce se je D-mon (glede na to da v angleski verziji zaradi 'preosebnih' stvari ni povedal vsega) ustrasil slovenscine, ker bi se osebno prevec izpostavil. Tukaj ga razumem.
Se pa strinjam. Slovenscina je nasa in jo je treba uporabljati.

D-mon, jaz cakam na Killer v.2

d-mon ::

Ja fantje hvala na komentarju.

U bistvu je bil tole mail prijateljici v ameriki, ki pravi, da ne ve ce bi prisla na pocitnice v Slovenijo.
Pravi, da je brala o tem kaj se dogaja na internetu...sej veste 60 letnik posili in ubije 14 letnico. Spoznala sta se pa na IRC...bla bla bla.

No in potem sem napisal tole zgodbico, ki pa je u bistvu spisana cisto tako kot bi ji jo povedal. Se pravi, nisem se oziral nazaj ce sem nekaj ze povedal. Ker ce bi ji jo govoril preko irca, potem ne bi mogel spreminjati napak za nazaj.
Je pa se to, da lahko temu recemo ene vrste slog. In menim, da je tak slog najbolj pristen, da se cloveka spozna. Da pisatelj blekne iz sebe ven vse kar mu trenutno skace po glavi. Mogoce to nekaterim ni vsec, ampak zagotovo se najde kdo, ki to spostuje.
Kot je pa pri umetnosti ze navada, pa ni vsaka umetnost vsakemu vsec.

Drugace imam pa za sabo ze en scenarij, ki je bil napisan v slovenscini, a v pogovorni. Mentorji (priznani slovenski in trije tuji), ki so me in se dva moja prijatelja vodili do piljenja scenarija niso niti omenili pravilne slovenscine. Vazna je zgodba.

In se v pomoc...
Slog Jerryja Seinfelda in recimo Guy Ritchija sta mi zrasla k srcu, tako da vse kar vidim v glavi in ko pisem pisem z malo prikritim humorjem, ki ga mora pa bralec nato najti.
Ne vem, mogoce bi moral dodajati se opise custvenih stanj, ki si jih v casu pisanja predstavljam v glavi...ampak ker imam v krvi veliko vec scenaristicnega pisanja mi to mogoce manjka. Pri scenariju v oklepajih pod imenom napises kako ta oseba govori, ce je pomembno. In to je vse. Vse je bolj direktno in neolepsano.

Ce koga kaj vec o filmu zanima dobi info na:
klik
in na
http://www.tupatam.com/

-------------
moderator: skrajšal sem ti en link, ker raztegne forum
[D-mon]

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: Predator ()

undefined ::

> Pravi, da je brala o tem kaj se dogaja na internetu...sej veste 60 letnik posili in ubije 14 letnico. Spoznala sta se pa na IRC...bla bla bla.

HUH? Kje pa si te zgodbice bral? To je pa spet en ameriški kliše, verjetno izvor od samega FBIja... dej ti mal spametuj tole deklico. ;)

Isht ::

Ah, zdaj razumem, od kje jemljes ta slog nepristranskega opazovalca. Seinfeld je narejen na podobni zasnovi.
mislim, da bom odprl novo temo, v katero pozivam vse pisce cinicnih humoresk. Tukaj

undefined ::

> Ah, zdaj razumem, od kje jemljes ta slog nepristranskega opazovalca. Seinfeld je narejen na podobni zasnovi.

Jest? Če ja, utemelji. :)

Isht ::

Ice: ne ti, D-mon, v svoji zgodbi. v enem od postov je omenil, da mu je pri srcu prikriti humor Seinfelda.

Ti si pa itak cinik na kvadrat. Kar je po svoje tudi zelo Seinfeldovsko. Imam obcutek, da zelo cinicno/ironicno spremljas dogajanja okoli sebe, vsaj iz tvojih postov se da to razbrati. Ampak, to je ze osebna debata, ki nima veze s temo tukaj.
Mislil sem na D-mona, o tebi pa kdaj drugic.


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