ali mi lahko nekdo razloži par vicev

Ne kapiram pa konc!

A Jewish missionary went to Africa to educate a tribe of pygmies called Trids.

After a few weeks, during the first full moon, the Rabbi noticed the Trids getting nervous. Then all of a sudden, a giant gorilla came out of the jungle and started kicking the Trids up in the trees.

The Rabbi confronted the gorilla and said, "Pick on someone your own size!"

The gorilla replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


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Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.

A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."

"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."

"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."

"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"

The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.

"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"


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Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

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Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn't know what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.

"Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.

Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone.

"What happened?" his wife cried.

"We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly, "when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

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A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

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Tarnarlepša ti dala.

Za prva dva ne vem, tretji je tukaj v SLO:

Kaj je tako pa tako in se oglaša kot piščanec?

Ne evm, sem pozabil, ampak tvoja mama je kurba

Četrti pa je kako preprečil hipiju,d a bi utonil v blatu?
Stopiš dol z njega.

To so bol približni prevodi, ampak mislim da kapiraš. Da jnapiši še kakega dobrega. Ej, veš zakaj se nogomet. tekma med Jamajko in Kolumbijo ni nikoli končala?

s tem da period v angleščini pomeni tut nekaj drugega...

hmm, glede čisto prvega vica, madmanmato-ova razlaga je popolnoma zgrešena...

The gorilla replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

gre kao za spet nek slaven ameriški stavek (ki naj bi bil zelo smešen): "silly rabit, trix are for kids!" iz ameriških reklam o žitaricah TRIX (trix cereal). v glavnem gre za reklamo o zajcu trixu, ki ne sme jesti svojih žitaric, ker so kao samo za otroke... beda v glavnem.

Tomi: poza je 69 ok, samo je ne uniči vejica ampak menstruacija (period po angleško). Spet besedna igra




ops. bi lahko malo bolje bral poste preden odgovarjam

Tega sem zasledil v filmu 'What Women Want' (zakon, si ga morte ogledat):

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

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After 10 years, the job still sucks.

a ste ze slisal za tale vic?

gre en model u trgovino pa vprasa: " amate se kej belga kruha?"
pa rece prodajalka: "ne, samo se crnga mamo."
pa on rece: "ah, sej ni vazn, sej sm s kolesom."

------hahahahahaha------------------
za naslednja dva mors bit pa izredno intelektualen, da jih kapiras:

gresta mujo pa haso na triglav, haso gre po severni steni, mujo je pa mel vodo u kolenu.


gresta dva modela u gozd, enmu je blo ime jože, en je mel pa rumene škorne.

Ta z gobo je hud

Kaj imata skupnega pomaranča in letalo?
-Oba sta oranžna, razen letala!

AFAIK je "trix are for kids" iz ene US reklame za kosmiče (nek zajec bi rad kosmiče jedel pa mu jih ne dajo ker so samo za otroke). In če zamenjaš začetnici, nimaš več "trix are for kids", ampak "kix are for tids" oz. nekaj v smislu prvega vica. Ha, ha. Ha.

Edino, kar je bolj žalostno od tega vica je to, da je v moji glavi sploh prostor za take bedarije.

lp
s.

Nevem sicer koliko je star a jaz sem ga slišal par dni nazaj in mi je nasmejal do solz.

Kako si slončica vstavi tampon?
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.
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Se vsede na ovco.

Btw, kdo je obudil ta thread od mrtvih? :)

Heh, če ste že spet odprl to hudo staro temo pa da vam natresem en sigurno nov vic.


Prideta dva kita v bar.

Prvi pravi natakarju: "uuuiiiiieeeeeeeeh, oouuuuuuuuuioaaa, aaaaaaeeeeeeeiiik, woooooouuuuaaaaaiiiii (saj veste, kako se kiti oglašajo - no to počasi pojte ene 15 minut, tak da se vsi okoli režijo (upajmo))".

Pravi drugi kit prvemu začudeno: "pa kaj je narobe s tabo, Lojze?"