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ali mi lahko nekdo razloži par vicev

ali mi lahko nekdo razloži par vicev

Yohan del Sud ::

Ne kapiram pa konc!

A Jewish missionary went to Africa to educate a tribe of pygmies called Trids.

After a few weeks, during the first full moon, the Rabbi noticed the Trids getting nervous. Then all of a sudden, a giant gorilla came out of the jungle and started kicking the Trids up in the trees.

The Rabbi confronted the gorilla and said, "Pick on someone your own size!"

The gorilla replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


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Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.

A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."

"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."

"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."

"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"

The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.

"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"


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Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

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Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn't know what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.

"Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.

Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone.

"What happened?" his wife cried.

"We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly, "when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

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A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

-----------------------------------------

Matek ::

1: Brcala je v drevo, on je pa rekel pick on someone of your own size, pa je mislila, kao je drevo večje od nje.

2:To je tipično ameriški, verjetno v tistem kraju gojijo slabi krompir al kaj takega, to ni vic za slovence.

3:Ta je tudi neki ameriški, pač ne moremo razumet, nekaj dva za en dolar pri safewayu

4:Ta je dober, najprej mu je žena rekla, joj, kak velka riba je to bla! Pol je pa on reko, kaka je šele tista, ki je ušla (oziroma got Away) to ma tu pač dva pomena. No, tipičen ribiški, tista ki zbeži, je vedno ogromna

5:Ja, ful se je mučo, da bi vidu ta ples, pol pa so plesali: Pokaži z roko naprej,pokaži z roko nazaj, taki otročji plesić, hehe.

Upam da razumeš kaj sem hoto povedat

Vici so moje področje:D
Bolje ispasti glup nego iz aviona.

Yohan del Sud ::

Tarnarlepša ti dala.

Yohan del Sud ::

Evo, še par novih, ki sem jih zastopil:


What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?












"cough, gag, cough"


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what's a 6.9 ?

a good thing ruined by a period


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What's black, white, and sounds like a chicken?


Ummmm.....forgot the punchline, but your mom's a whore. >>


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How do you keep a Hippy from drowning in a mud puddle?


Take your foot off the back of his head!

Matek ::

Za prva dva ne vem, tretji je tukaj v SLO:

Kaj je tako pa tako in se oglaša kot piščanec?

Ne evm, sem pozabil, ampak tvoja mama je kurba

Četrti pa je kako preprečil hipiju,d a bi utonil v blatu?
Stopiš dol z njega.

To so bol približni prevodi, ampak mislim da kapiraš. Da jnapiši še kakega dobrega. Ej, veš zakaj se nogomet. tekma med Jamajko in Kolumbijo ni nikoli končala?
Bolje ispasti glup nego iz aviona.

Tomi ::

what's a 6.9 ?

a good thing ruined by a period

To pomeni, da gre za 69 pozo, ki jo unici decimalna vejica ( period ).
metrodusa.blogspot.com

Lunik ::

s tem da period v angleščini pomeni tut nekaj drugega... ;)

undefined ::

MadManMato:

Yohan del Sud je napisal:

>Evo, še par novih, ki sem jih zastopil

Verjetno si to spregledal. :)


Vseh vicev v prvem postu tud jaz nisem zastopil, pa tud pol po razlagi Mata mi še vedno niso smešni, ker so krneki. :D

V drugem postu so pa sam trash, čeprav sem jih vse takoj dojel za kaj se gre. Tisti, ki se tem smejete, rabite psihiatra. >:D

Tomi:
period - pika (v primeru vica - doba menstruacije), comma - vejica :)

BTW, v angleščini "balls" vulgarno pomeni modo, tolk za pojasnilo prvega vica.

boha ::

hmm, glede čisto prvega vica, madmanmato-ova razlaga je popolnoma zgrešena...

The gorilla replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

gre kao za spet nek slaven ameriški stavek (ki naj bi bil zelo smešen): "silly rabit, trix are for kids!" iz ameriških reklam o žitaricah TRIX (trix cereal). v glavnem gre za reklamo o zajcu trixu, ki ne sme jesti svojih žitaric, ker so kao samo za otroke... beda v glavnem.

totimato ::

2. tater je krompir, comon pa navaden. Če izgovoriš skupaj je besedna igra (komentator po slovensko)

:) kao, da so komentatorji navadni krompirji...

totimato ::

Tomi: poza je 69 ok, samo je ne uniči vejica ampak menstruacija (period po angleško). Spet besedna igra

:)


ops. bi lahko malo bolje bral poste preden odgovarjam :\

totimato ::

4. spet besedna igra. you should see the one that got away. Lahko razumemo, da je riba pobegnila, glede na to pa da je izgubil oba sina je pomen stavka da je drugega sina (ki mi je ime away) pojedla še večja riba

undefined ::

Tega sem zasledil v filmu 'What Women Want' (zakon, si ga morte ogledat:D):

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

.
.
.

After 10 years, the job still sucks. >:D

Yuuza ::

Tudi MadManMatova razlaga drugega vica je popolnoma zgrešena. Na koncu reče "he is a common tater" kar se sliši kot "he is a commentator". Tom Brokaw je namreč znan komentator na NBC, vendar pa zapis kot je v vicu pomeni "on je navaden krompir" - tater je pogovorna okrajšava za krompir; npr. meat & tater = meso in krompir (ali v cow & chicken porkbutts & tater ;)). Torej vsekakor tudi vic za Slovence, če le znajo dovolj angleščine (pogovorne). Btw Idaho in Maine sta pa dve ameriški zvezni državi znani po pridelovanju krompirja.

Isto velja za tretji vic - razlaga popolnoma zgrešena, saj je fora podobna kot v prejšnjem, torej kako kaj prebereš: Artie chokes se sliši kot artiechokes, torej "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway" pomeni artičoke po dve za en dolar v Safeway-u. Spet vic tudi za Slovence ob zadostnem znanju angleščine in smisla za vice ;).

Četrti vic je MadManMato verjetno razumel, vendar pa razlaga ni ravno razumljiva. Gre seveda za dvojni pomen zadnjega stavka: got Away vs. got away. Got Away = ki je dobila (pojedla) sina imenovanega Away; got away = ki je ušla.

Peti vic ima rahlo nepopolno razlago... Ni stvar toliko v tem, da je ples otročji ampak v tem, da je to splošno poznana zadeva, recimo nekaj takega kot pri nas račke. Razlika samo v temu, da je v originalu namesto butch seveda put in se je torej tip živalsko mučil za nekaj najbolj banalnega.

MadManMato... zadel si torej recimo dva od petih in glede tudi na tvoj odziv na drugo skupino vicev ne bi mogel reči, da so vici tvoje področje ;), vsaj ne njihovo točno razumevanje pa brez zamere.

P.S. vnaprej se opravičujem, če je kaj že bilo PRAVILNO razloženo, odgovor sem namreč napisal off-line potem, ko sem si zjutraj ob 6 posnel to stran.

alesrosina ::

a ste ze slisal za tale vic?

gre en model u trgovino pa vprasa: " amate se kej belga kruha?"
pa rece prodajalka: "ne, samo se crnga mamo."
pa on rece: "ah, sej ni vazn, sej sm s kolesom."

------hahahahahaha------------------
za naslednja dva mors bit pa izredno intelektualen, da jih kapiras:

gresta mujo pa haso na triglav, haso gre po severni steni, mujo je pa mel vodo u kolenu.


gresta dva modela u gozd, enmu je blo ime jože, en je mel pa rumene škorne.

Child Of KoRn ::

Taj za intelektualce!
Gresta dva tipa v gozd.
Pa prav prvi: "Ej stari, lj goba!"
Pa prau goba: "Ja, IN!"

_Mortal_ ::

Ta z gobo je hud>:D
Is reading in the bathroom considered as multi-tasking?

attackiko ::

Ja tale trix for kids zadeva se pojavi tudi v Kill Bill 1.

Alexius Heristalski ::

Kaj imata skupnega pomaranča in letalo?
-Oba sta oranžna, razen letala!
fantje, ni blo slabo, samo dajte še v herbicidščini

Brane2 ::

atackiko:

V "Kill Bill 1" receta obe "trick serves a cat" ali nekaj podobnega...

Ce ma kdo tocno frazo + razlago, bi me zanimala...

sketch ::

AFAIK je "trix are for kids" iz ene US reklame za kosmiče (nek zajec bi rad kosmiče jedel pa mu jih ne dajo ker so samo za otroke). In če zamenjaš začetnici, nimaš več "trix are for kids", ampak "kix are for tids" oz. nekaj v smislu prvega vica. Ha, ha. Ha.

Edino, kar je bolj žalostno od tega vica je to, da je v moji glavi sploh prostor za take bedarije.

lp
s.
Adapt and overcome.

Mercier ::

pingo76 ::

Nevem sicer koliko je star a jaz sem ga slišal par dni nazaj in mi je nasmejal do solz.

Kako si slončica vstavi tampon?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Se vsede na ovco.

Btw, kdo je obudil ta thread od mrtvih? :)

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: pingo76 ()

T0RN4D0 ::

Tud en podobn pingotovem….

Je mela medvedka menstruacijo pa j uporabla zajčka za tampon. Pa zajček pride po koncu ven in ves bogi pobegne k potoku se skopa in se skrije brlog….

Mine messec, pa išče medvedka zajčka, ampak je model skrit, pa mora najdit nadomestilo… najde tam nekje sovo in jo zbere za nasledno 'žrtev'

Pol pa spet po koncu sova vsa razf*** : PA KDO JI JE POVEDU, DA SO VLOŽKI S KRILCI BOLŠ???
>:D


nekak tko no… sej ga ne vem več… ker poba k mi ga je pravu se je vmes tak režu, da je to pol ure govoru, pa še težk ga je blo kj zastopt…:\ :D
(\__/) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny
(='.'=) into your signature to help him gain
(")_(") world domination.

Yohan del Sud ::

Heh, če ste že spet odprl to hudo staro temo pa da vam natresem en sigurno nov vic.


Prideta dva kita v bar.

Prvi pravi natakarju: "uuuiiiiieeeeeeeeh, oouuuuuuuuuioaaa, aaaaaaeeeeeeeiiik, woooooouuuuaaaaaiiiii (saj veste, kako se kiti oglašajo - no to počasi pojte ene 15 minut, tak da se vsi okoli režijo (upajmo))".

Pravi drugi kit prvemu začudeno: "pa kaj je narobe s tabo, Lojze?"


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