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Vici na temo ponosnih Američanov

Vici na temo ponosnih Američanov

LojzePek ::

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:

"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am.""Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."


Upam da še pade kakšen.

Tomi ::

Ta fora je pa nora:D
metrodusa.blogspot.com

Mercier ::

Tale bo še predsednik nekega dne:D


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Tomi ::

Danes ste pa res za štose..
Kar tako naprej:D
metrodusa.blogspot.com

Mercier ::

No, malo sem falil temo, ampak tale tip iz prošnje je faca.

Pa američan je tut. :D

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: Mercier ()

JXS ::

ok ni lih o američanih je pa renična:
pride blonda (čudn a?>:D) v horsa pa gleda kva bi naročila, pol se pa le odloč: "en chicken-burger prosm".:D

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenilo: JXS ()

||_^_|| ::

Gre tko George Bush po cesti pa sreča Powella. In slednji reče:
P:"Đorđi, a maš ti akvarij?"
B:"Ne."
P:"Torej sklepam da ne maraš rib."
B:"Točno."
P:"Potemtakem sklepam tudi da ne maraš ostalih živali."
B:"Tako je."
P:"Iz tega sledi, da najverjetneje ne maraš žensk."
B:"Hmja.."
P:"Torej si peder!"
Bush pride domov, pokliče Tonyja Blaira in prbije:
B:"Ej Tony, a maš ti akvarij?"
T:"Ne, zakaj?"
B:"PEDER!!"

Mercier ::

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA...

... are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Predator ::

tole sem danes dobil v moj nabiralnik

RDEČA KAPICA
Rdeči Kapici je parenteralna mati nekega dne akreditirala transport viktuarij za babico, ki je bila senilna anemičarka in je le redko zapuščala svoj domicil. Brez asistence je Rdeča Kapica odskakljala v obskuren gozd, ko se je pred njo nenadoma realiziral volk, ki je do tedaj latenten čakal inkognito za enormno smreko.

Rdeča kapica, ki ni bila informirana, da je volk tako maligen, se ni prav nič deranžirala.
"Kam pa kam, Rdeča kapica?" jo je dolozno intervjuval volk.

"Babici, ki rezidira nedaleč od tu, nesem kolacijo!", je respektno replicirala Rdeča kapica.
"Poglej," ji je aludiral volk, ki je komaj krotil svojo sitomanijo, "koliko rožic florira tukaj! Ne boš se dosti retardirala, če jih nekaj kolektiraš za babico!"

Rdeča kapica, ki je ob volkovem intrigantskem incitiranju pozabila na materin konzilij, da naj bo v gozdu kar se da providentna, se je takoj agilno lotila akumuliranja rožic. Hipokritski volk je medtem rapidno stekel do babičine koče, skočil v interier in konzumiral frapirano babico.Oblekel je njen neglize in se lociral v posteljo, da počaka na Rdečo kapico. Ta je z minorno retardacijo res prišla. Nekaj časa je skrutinirala kamufliranega volka, potem pa rekla:
"Babica, zakaj imaš tako enormne okularje?"
"Da te optimalno vizualno percipiram!" je emfatično povedal volk.
"Zakaj imaš tako ekstravagantna ušesa?"
"Zaradi surround avdio percepcije!" je še bolj precizno artikuliral volk.
"In zakaj imas takšno enormno palatoshizo?"
"Zato, da te neproblematično konzumiram!" je z monstruoznim glasom odrecitiral volk in huronsko atakiral Rdečo kapico. Po tem amoralnem aktu se je penzioniral v posteljo in med kakofoničnim smrčanjem zaspal.

Lovcu, ki je pasiral babičino hišico, so se groteskni glasovi iz njene rezidence zdeli suspektni. Rezolutno je vstopil v interier in takoj konstatiral, da je volk konzumiral babico in Rdečo kapico. Iz volkovega voluminoznega trebuha so namreč prihajali morbidni, ekscitirani klici na pomoč. Z robustnim udarcem je dezaktiviral volka in mu z drastičnim rezom naredil vivisekcijo. Iz abdomna sta se realizirali babica in Rdeča kapica, obe intaktni. Skupaj z lovcem sta potem interpolirali kamenje v prazen volkov želodec in mu ga zašili. Volka je zaradi gastrolitov kmalu popadla hidromanija in ves adinamičen se je splazil do vodnjaka. Ko se je dekliniral čez rob vodnjaka, je zaradi balasta v trebuhu izgubil balanso in dekonstruktiviral v vodo.

Babica, lovec in Rdeča kapica so se eksultirajoč objeli in si aklamirali ob solviranju pred malevolentnim volkom.


>:D
Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.

OrlyTM ::

Ja hudo ...

Kot bi poslusal ucenjake v nasem parlamentu.

lp
OrlyTM
--------------------------------------------------
<b>Fear is in The Eye Of The Beholder. Don't let it be You!</b>

Neo32 ::

NNeo - naci????
Neo32 (c)

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: Thomas ()

NoUse4AName ::

pol besed v tisti rdeci kapici je napacnih...

[t502] ::

bah!

5 ur sem rabil, da sem prebral tisto...kot da bi poslusal enega science geek-a ;)

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: [t502] ()

Predator ::

hehe.. nekaj čez naše ameriške kolege >:D
Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.

Predator ::

aja pa še link do najbolj "sexi evrov na svetu" aja mladina prste stran ;-) >:D
Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.

||_^_|| ::

uff kera država bo pa mela te evre? men bi prou pasali, pa folk bi bol šparu:))

Brane2 ::

še ena na Ameriško temo:


Mercier ::

Prvo poglavje: Davljenje s presticami

Do dont traj dis at houm pa ni uspel prebrati, izvajal je on d flaj.

Zgodovina sprememb…

  • spremenil: Mercier ()

LojzePek ::

Sam s prestami pa ni šale. Kot vidte so lahk posledice pogubne. Čakam, da kdo v Ameriki odpr tečaje za prežvekovanje prest (vsaka velikost ima svoje posebnosti). Problem je sploh pri ljudeh, ki imajo podpovrečen IQ (kot npr. "Grmičar") , ker ne more istočasno razmišljat kako prežvekovat in npr. gledat TV.

Alfa ::

Samo zdej ne vem a ima ta grmičar kavč pa televizijo na streh od bele hiše, pa je dobu tako šlivo ko je dol padu.

Morda ga je pa udarila žena ko ji je predlagal da bi si omislil Moniko.

Brane2 ::

Ste vidl ze tole ?

BEAVIS & BUSHEAD

Niccodemi ::

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Nico ::

Zadnji Bushev govor:
Štrk
Everybody banana on your head!

Double_J ::

Heh smeh:D

Kaboom ::

USS Lincoln

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your
course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Če se zatakne - pritisni močneje. Če se zlomi - bil je skrajni čas za nakup novega.

_Mortal_ ::


An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger said, I'm Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA, and the Portland Trailblazers need me, so I can't afford to die. So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said; I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy scout said, It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest president took my backpack.



A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."





A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"



A blonde man comes home from work and hears moaning and screaming from the bedroom. So he goes upstairs and finds his wife lying on the bed naked, sweaty, and panting. He asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having a heartattack" so he runs downstairs to call 911 when one of his little kids comes to him and says, "daddy,daddy uncle bob's hiding in the closet naked." The furious blond man goes back upstairs and sure enough he finds his naked brother in the closet and says to him, "you son-of-a-bitch, my wife's having a heartattack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"







Is reading in the bathroom considered as multi-tasking?

R33D3M33R ::

Evo! Morda ste že slišali (ne se ustrašit dolžine) :D

(after Hu Jintao was named Chief of the Communist Party in China)

"Hu's on First"
(the scene is the Oval Office)

George W: Condi! Nice to see you! What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have a report here about the new leader in China.
G: Great. Lay it on me.
C: Hu is the new leader of China.
G: That's what I want to know.
C: That's what I'm telling you.
G: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China.
C: Yes.
G: I mean the fellow's name.
C: Hu.
G: The guy in China.
C: Hu.
G: The new leader of China.
C: Hu.
G: The Chinaman!
C: Hu is leading China.
G: Now whaddya askin' me for?
C: I'm telling you. Hu is leading China.
G: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
C: That's the man's name.
G: That's whose name?
C: Yes.
G: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East?
C: That's correct.
G: Then who is in China?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir is in China?
C: No, sir.
G: Then who is?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir?
C: No, sir.
G: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.Get me the UN on the phone.
C: Kofi?
G: No, thanks.
C: You want Kofi?
G: No.
C: You don't want Kofi?
G: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the UN.
C: Yes, sir.
G: Not Yassir! The guy at the UN!
C: Kofi?
G: Milk! Will you please make the call?
C: And call who?
G: Who is the guy at the UN?
C: Hu is the guy in China.
G: Will you stay out of China!
C: Yes, sir.
G: And stay out of the Middle East. Just get me the guy at the UN!
C: Kofi?
G: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

(Condi picks up the phone.)
C: Rice here.
G: Rice? Good idea! And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the new guy in China. And to the
Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Moja domača stran: http://andrej.mernik.eu
Na spletu že od junija 2002 ;)
:(){ :|:& };:

Zgodovina sprememb…

spader ::

dobri vici na se enga ki nima nobene veze s tem


> > > > Pride nuna k ginekologu na pregled.
> > > > Ko jo zdravnik pregleda ji pove,da je noseca.
> > > > Nuna tega ne more verjeti in trdi, da ni mo
> > nosti,da bi bila noseca.
> > > > Zdravnik jo le ste ka preprica.
> > > > Nato pa gre nuna in se postavi v sredini cerkve
> > in zavpije:
> > > > "Kateri peder si ga je drkal po svecah?!"


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